Wednesday 15 August 2012

Losing count

I'm losing count of the number of identity crises I've had already. I don't tend to put things down to starsigns when it comes to my personality, but apparently Capricorns such as myself really struggle with change and well, being a young adult worming her way into stability, there is an inevitably high level of flux. Which, for someone who struggles with change, sux.

I could kind of deal with it when it was prescription education and I had someone else to blame for being annoyed with what I was doing; suppressed and bloated with curricula - but now it's all my fault. Well, not fault exactly, just... responsibility. I actually am expected to make some kind of an effort now, or it all really goes to pot. Part of me would like it go to pot. As nice as it is having money to spend, it also is a massive burden to use it properly and spend it on things like paying back overdrafts and bills and bus fares and shit. And shit is what it is.

The council tax things hasn't hit me yet because I'm not earning enough to pay it, but it looms. In the background it looms there like a cat staring at you as you take out the moist pink ham for your afternoon sandwich and I'm just like, FECK OFF, CAT.

I dunno.

The identity crisis thing fits in there neatly actually. I don't mind stumbling along and not being attached to something (it makes the flux easier to deal with), but when something starts to draw me in, or makes me feel like I have to be more interested in it than I am, well, I hate that. It makes me want to run away. But then I don't have the energy to run away either. This is where it gets tricky. It's easy for me at the moment to stay where I am, in the job I'm in, make some money, be afraid every now and again, make mistakes etc etc, but at the same time I am absolutely despising this feeling of lack of control. I have got to be in control of my own life.. ser protagonista, no ser victima! I just don't really know how to get it back.

Everyone keeps telling me how grateful I should be to have a full-time job in this "climate" and yada yada. Actually you know what, that is another thing I hate. Chatting. Small talk. Bla bla, fuckity bla. It's a key part of my job at the moment (customer service) and it makes me feel sick and bored and I just want someone to know more about me than my hair colour. That's the hard part about the job - trying to act like you care and you really, really, don't. And nobody cares about you either.

There's a blog tendency of mine where I enjoy ending them on a high, as if I'm going to make changes, have come to some great conclusion which will spur me or others on, and well, the answer is simple: find a social hobby with flexibility and that I can commit to without it leaving me. I just want something to enjoy. And I'm not 100% sure how to go about that yet, or what it is.

I'm missing my friends, too.

I just wish I knew how temporary this whole part was, and I wish it didn't suck as much as it does right now.
But I'm the only one who can change it.
Dammit.
Responsibility.
Choices.
Ugh.

Adulthood.

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